Dreading today

Just a very quick post today because I should be rushing about to get to the hospital for my second chemotherapy - I've got 50 minutes to shower, get dressed and get there so it's a bit of a tight timescale. 

Friday was a very difficult day, my GP was concerned that this constant, awful chest pain might be a Pulmonary Embolism, which was a very scary thought at the time. I was sent up to our local general hospital, not the fabulous place where my cancer is being treated where I get overwhelmed by kindness. On no, kindness is in a bit of a short supply at the general. They do their best, they don't mean any harm, but it felt like I was being processed rather than cared for. 

So nine hours of clunky, unjoined-up incompetence later, where they seemed to spend the whole day trying to open veins to get blood and put other stuff into me, because they don't have the necessary know-how to use my portacath. I have deep purple bruises all over the place due to their botched attempts, and they eventually managed to take blood from my groin - incredibly painful. 

I don't have a Pulmonary Embolism, thank goodness, but they don't really know what is causing this constant pain and breathlessness. So I came home with antibiotics, on a just in case basis, and I'm hoping that today, the the lovely hospital, they might be able to find the cause. Of course, my deepest dread is that it is the spread of the cancer.

Anyone who knows how needle phobic I am (there is a post devoted to my intense fear on this blog "My Needle Phobic Past) may have some sort of an inkling as to how traumatic I found the whole of Friday to be. It has affected my whole weekend, and dark, depressing thoughts, despair, and complete self-pitying sobbing have just taken me over. I've had thoughts of calling a day to this whole cancer treatment because I just don't know how much more of this whole stuff I can take, and just letting nature take it's course. Of course I won't, I have far too much to live for and will continue to do everything I can to come out well the other side, but for the first time since this was diagnosed four months ago, I completely lost hope this weekend. My reasoning was, if I'm going to die anyway, why put myself through all this awful stuff and ruin my last few months? 

I kept busy though, and those of you who know how stressed out about the every growing mountain of admin will understand how delighted I am to have cleared 6 whole bits of it. I also watched Downton Abbey, which can cheer anyone up, even me at my worst.

I don't know what today will bring, I'm wondering if they will actually go ahead with the chemo, or if they will try to find the source of this pain instead. I'd like them to do both! 

Once today is over, I'll get back to where I was, I'm sure, and be bubbling all over again with gung-ho optimisim that this cancer is on it's way out, because I really  can't bear any more misery. 

My hair now looks ridiculous - but I need to show the oncologist how it is to prove that the last chemo actually worked! So maybe we'll celebrate getting through today with shaving it all off so I can get down to the serious business of looking fabulously gorgeous in my new wig from tomorrow!